Grocery Shopping Blues

Sometimes shopping for groceries can be a test of will and a blunt reminder of what my life was like before diabetes. A quick dinner used to be simply spaghetti and sauce, now there are no quick dinners. Breakfast was cereal or pop tarts, now it is omelets. I plan every meal, measuring appropriate portion sizes and counting the carbs in each. Before diabetes, I would wing it at the grocery store, just tossing stuff into the cart, not giving thought to the impact the items would have on my body. Now I never venture to the store with out my meal plan for the week and list of items needed to prepare each breakfast, lunch and dinner. I know the specific function each and every item will have in my meals for the week and how they should play into my insulin doses and how my blood sugar "should" react.

Sometimes I put myself through unnecessary torture by lingering too long at the bakery, looking at the cakes and the cookies, when I really need to get to the meat department. Or by staring at the many flavors of Ben and Jerry's on my way to the frozen veggies. I'll find myself gawking at others as they pile pop tarts, toaster strudels and golden grahams in their carts; envying their pancreatic capabilities to digest and process those foods. In contrast my cart simply contains lettuce, meat, eggs and cheese. I stick to the outskirts of the store, venturing down the aisles only if I need a jar of olives or a can of tomatoes. A day doesn't go by when I wish I could eat whatever I wanted--a bowl of cereal, a Hershey's bar, ice cream--with no concern for the consequences. But its not just the "bad stuff" that I sometimes long for. Its the "good" stuff too, apples and bananas and summertime plums. I can't just eat. Any food I put into my mouth is based on a conscious decision. Anything I eat that's not meat requires a calculation and an insulin injection.

At the end of my shopping trip my perseverance and strong will is sometimes rewarded by an observant stranger who says to me, "Wow! That is a really healthy shopping cart!" I reply with a smile, a shrug and an "I know."

Inside I'm thinking, "you have no idea."

My Addiction

One of the things I’m often asked by friends and family is “What can or can’t you eat?” I often respond with the things that I don’t eat, because there really isn’t anything I can’t eat, just things that I probably shouldn’t eat. One astute family member asked recently if there is anything I can eat that I don’t have to worry about it raising my blood sugar. I smiled, raised my can of diet coke, gave a wink and took a gulp of it.


I have found that diet coke is the only thing (besides water of course) that I can ingest in significant quantities without having it raise my blood sugar. And I drink a lot of it. And lately I’ve been wondering if its possible I have an addiction to diet coke. Or maybe it’s a habit I’m finding difficult to break.

I drive to work, I have a diet coke. I finish my tea at work, I have a diet coke. I feel bored, I have a diet coke. I blog, I have a diet coke, or two or three. I watch TV, I have a diet coke. I read a book, I have a diet coke. I go to the movies, I have a gigantic diet coke. You get the picture.

It’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly when my dependence on diet coke started. It may have started in college where, as an old friend recently reminded me, I drank like 12 million cokes. And those were regular cokes back then. (Gasp!) Sometime after college I transitioned to diet coke, mainly because it started showing up as the only soft drink in my parents’ fridge so over time I developed a taste for it. My diet coke intake has probably increased two- or three-fold since my diabetes diagnosis. So here I am, hard-core diet coke drinker.

There are zero health benefits to drinking diet coke. All it is chemicals and artificial flavors and colors. There is no nutritional value at all. It probably causes cancer like everything else. And when I think about it, it really doesn’t even taste that good. If I drink too much it makes me dehydrated. It costs extra money to keep drinking it. So I’ve been asking myself, “why do I keep drinking this stuff?” and telling myself that I need to stop.

But then there is the part of me that thinks about the other things I used to enjoy that I have given up since my diabetes. And I start to feel like I should be able to enjoy something that doesn’t cost me another injection. Why shouldn’t it be diet coke?

Anniversary Day

Today marks my second diabetes anniversary. Two years ago I was in my doctor’s office complaining of unquenchable thirst and unexplained weight loss. His nurse pricked my finger and fed a drop of my blood into her glucose meter. The meter read “Hi”. At that time I had no idea what that greeting meant, nor did I know how much that greeting would change my life.

Sure, after my diagnosis, I was scared and worried about a future with diabetes. But with the help of my family and my doctors and nurses I learned that I could manage this. And for the past year and a half I managed it quite well. I was confidant and felt like diabetes couldn’t stop me.

I got comfortable with my routine, never straying too far from my meal plan, exercising consistently and all around being a “good girl” when it came to my diabetes. The routine gave me some semblance of predictability with my blood sugar – when I do X, my blood sugar tends to end up around Y; when I eat Y, my blood sugar tends to end up around Z.

But, about mid-way through this year, the rules were changed – without my knowledge or permission. I started to notice that my blood sugar went up during my jogs instead of going down like I had gotten used to over the past year. My beloved breakfast treat – cottage cheese and berries – sent my blood sugars high, instead of keeping them steady like it used too. The same thing happened with my favorite lunchtime treat – a slice of low-carb bread with a tablespoon of almond butter. I was able to get away with a granola bar here and there, a grilled cheese sandwhich, or even a few pieces of chocolate without worrying too much – I had learned that 2 hours after indulging in these little treats my blood sugar would be within the normal range.

The routine I had put my faith in, that had gotten me through the first 18 months with diabetes and a steadily declining A1C has stopped working. The best I can figure is that my pancreas has finally gone completely kaput. They say that newly diagnosed Type 1’s experience what’s called a honeymoon period where the pancreas still produces a little bit of insulin. I think my honeymoon is over. It’s the only explanation I can come up with for why my blood sugars have been incredibly difficult to manage over the past 6 months.

This change has been demoralizing and demotivating. I followed all the rules, I ate whole grains and fresh fruit, I exercised and I counted the carbs. Now my whole diabetes world is out of whack and its been making me miserable. It feels unfair, I did everything I was told and have been rewarded with a new set of rules and an already difficult disease made less manageable. My once sunny outlook has disappeared. Diabetes is not a gift; it’s a chip on my shoulder.

I’ve spent the past six months unhappy and pissed-off and the change in my diabetes has been at the core of my newfound gloomy outlook. This negativity is eating at me and my anger tends to be misdirected at those I love who just want to help. I want my pancreas back; I want my berries and cottage cheese. I’m tired of the rage boluses and I’m sick of fumbling with my insulin pen in public restrooms listening to drunk girls yelling and laughing while I’m praying I don’t drop my meter in the toilet or my pen on the filthy floor. I want to escape and leave this place I’m in. But there is none, it is always with me and it will always be with me.

I can’t go on being depressed diabetes girl. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere the past six months. I have to start over. New year, new me, new routine.

While you're away

My name is Keith, and I am Melissa's husband and now guest blogger for Meewah*betic. I have been thinking a lot about what my first post would be about, but after spending a week away from home it seemed quite simple. I would post about being away from Melissa since her diagnosis.

When Melissa was first diagnosed I was very cautious about going away at all. I canceled a hiking trip, avoided activities that would take me away from home for more than an hour at a time and anything late at night was off limits. Why such drastic actions? Well, we knew very little about diabetes at that time and I was a little scared of what would happen if she got a severe low, especially if I was not there to help. Slowly over the next year we became more comfortable with her sugar control and the hiking trips were back on, as well as all the other usual activities.

My comfort with being away reminds me to much of a conversation I once had with a guy who trains the Army airborne officers. He told me, and many others I am sure, that they rarely if ever see training accidents on the first five jumps that are required to get your airborne classification. However, when a soldier gets around 40 jumps they get very comfortable with jumping, become complacent and that is the period that most of the Army airborne see training related injuries. I would suspect that this is true with many things in life and can think of more than one activity I am involved with that is consistent with this line of reasoning.

So now when I travel the key is not to become complacent and just assume everything at home is fine. I am sure to get up early and call Melissa first thing in the morning. This naturally brings with it some very tense moments if she can not hear the phone. When there is no answer I am left wondering if something is wrong or is she just busy with the dog. I will generally sit around tense for ten to twenty minutes waiting to call again and hoping this time I get an answer, while at the same time wondering what are the next steps if I don't. The same if she is traveling, but with a million other reasons she may not answer the phone. It also got us to come up with plans should something go wrong, establishing the people we would contact if there was a problem and planning for those situations. This was something we had never considered previously and definitely something that we should have done long before diagnosis.

We are very lucky now, Melissa has great control and the risk appears to be low for something bad to happen. However, the key remains to not become complacent and ensure we put nothing to chance. Plus, it gives me a really good excuse to call my wife as often as I want when I am away!! There is always a bright side to everything.

Hard to Concentrate

Back in July my husband talked me into trying out rock climbing. He had done some climbing in college but I was a complete newbie, a bit intimidated and frankly scared of scaling a rock with only a rope and a knot to keep me from death or severe injury. We had heard about a local indoor rock climbing gym that offered a beginner lesson that taught the knots and basic techniques to get you on the wall and sounded like it was right up my alley.

We get to the gym and meet up with our instructor for the class who introduces us to our climbing harnesses and begins teaching the knots that will keep us from crashing to the ground if our grip on the hand and foot holds slip. I'm listening and watching the instructor teach the knot, but for the life of me I cannot get it right. I move closer to him and have him repeat it, but I still can't get it. I'm trying to follow him, eyes focused, brows furrowed, but my mind isn't. Why can't I get this knot tied? I'm sweating. Granted, more times than not a July day in Virginia involves temperatures, humidity and dew points in the 90s, so its hot and muggy. But I was indoors and just standing around yet sweating like I was outside digging a ditch. Then it hits me, can't concentrate, sweaty, gotta be low blood sugar.

I excuse myself briefly from the class and check my blood sugar and sure enough it was low: 60mg/dl. I usually only need two glucose tabs to bring me back up from a low but I opted for five because I was feeling so awful at that point. Sometimes I tend to have different low blood sugar symptoms. Sometimes I feel really hungry or weak, other times I'm just irritable, sometimes I get shaky and/or sweaty and sometimes I can't focus or I feel confused. Sometimes low blood sugar makes it hard to concentrate. When its hard to concentrate its like trying to be serious when your drunk with out the fun of being drunk.

I was able to get my blood sugar up to 150mg/dl and rejoin the class. With my blood sugar up I was able to focus and tie my knots. I scaled the walls a few times and felt comfortable with the harness and the ropes although I was a bit wary of climbing too high. It seemed that once I got to about 6 feet or so off the ground I was shouting to my husband, "Take"! Which is climber speak for, "I hope you have the other end of this rope because my butt is coming down now!!!"

Fifteen Pounds...

...the amount of weight that I gained during my month long, August A1C-elebration. At the beginning of August my A1C was a super good 5.27. So I opted to celebrate by going out with my husband to a nice restaurant for a steak dinner. And there it was on the menu: key lime pie. One of my favorites! Something I had not eaten in over a year. I figured "what the hell", one slice of pie every now and then won't hurt. But that single innocent slice of pie turned into another slice a few days later, and then some more cakes, and cheese cake, lots of fried mozzarella sticks and super awesome onion rings.

As the month wore on, and my blood sugars hovered in the high 100s, I could feel my clothes getting snugger, but I didn't step on the scale until about a week ago and saw just how bad things had gotten. I had to dip into my "under the bed pants". Pants that were way two big many months ago, but I held onto just in case, and boy do I need them now.

I know that indulging in cakes and pie wasn't the most appropriate way for a person with diabetes to celebrate, but...I've been so disciplined and have avoided so many foods lately that I thought it would be ok to slide. I never thought that I would have packed on the pounds like this though. During this whole month I continued my usual exercise routine: jogging and lifting weights 4-5 times a week. In fact, I increased the distance and duration of my runs this past month.

Despite remaining active, I still managed to pack on the pounds. Is there something else going on or is it just that: more sugar+more insulin = more fat? Back to the vigilance, back to the discipline, back to the drawing board. My new and improved pie-less meal plan begins now...

Long Time

I’ve been thinking about this post for over a month now. Time is a concept that I’ve been increasingly frustrated with lately. I feel more and more bogged down and most days overwhelmed by the mundane day-to-day things of an ordinary life. Wishing I had more time to do things I want to do as opposed to only having the time to do the things I have to do: working, cooking, cleaning and managing diabetes. But what do I want to do?

I’ve been thinking about what I did before I had diabetes. Looking back it seemed like I had all this free time and I think I wasted it all. I can’t think of what I did with my pre-diagnosis free time. I didn’t exercise, I didn’t read a lot of books, I watched a lot of TV, ate out a lot, pop tarts and pizza were diet staples. What the heck was I doing?

These days, when I’m not sleeping or at work, I’m doing diabetes stuff. Diabetes takes time. No more grab and go meals. Meals are planned. I cook breakfast every morning: scrambled eggs or an omelet. Lunch is always a salad: greens and assorted veggies washed and prepped the night before. I do some type of exercise everyday – either lifting weights, jogging or walking. From the time I get up in the morning until its time for bed, when it's all said and done, my day consists of work and diabetes. If only I didn’t have to sleep…

The past four months I’ve been in a general funk about “not having enough time”, just slouching and shrugging through the day. I need to get out of this negative mindset. I’m starting to earn the nicknames grouchy and grumpy. What I’m feeling is nothing new, its life. Everyone has something to balance, something to manage whether its work and family, work and going to school at night, or (pick two timesinks and insert here). I know I’m not special or unique in this circumstance, but I’m really struggling with it. I don't want to go through the same motions day-in and day-out.

Diabetes has given my life urgency. It made me realize that time is finite and diabetes has shortened that time. I want to travel the world and save the polar bears; move back to my hometown and live in Maui; be supportive to others with diabetes and raise a family of my own. I want to do all of these things, at the same time, in a day. But there’s not enough time.